one o six

the morning after.
so many things become so much clearer.
106 is probably an understatement for my post count.
the next morning, i have, on occasion, chosen to edit or fully delete some of the posts i make here. so, if you really want the complete set, you really need to check back here relentlessly, and always save a copy to your hard drive.

there's a tree visible above my garage from my little porch stoop that has miraculous abilities. i've gazed up at that tree so many times in the four years i've lived in this house, often at times of heartbreak or other general malady... and it always seems to say back to me: it will be ok, young man. there are greener pastures. there are eyes to gaze back into yours that will see everything they take in. hold out. hold on. believe. and so i do. it's gentle rocking in the breeze of so many michigan summers has taught me that today is only a page in the whole story, a day in the life. and the sum of all of those pages will be one hell of a book... just hold out until the end to see how everything ends up.

nothing

you might call an evening of a small, round, cheese-only pizza, a couple episodes of LOST from mr. TiVo and a nice long conversation with a special girl in chicago nothing. you might call it a waste. you might call it a missed opportunity to clean the house, or fix the basement sink.

but it was so much more than that. it was beautiful. and satisfying. and so rare as of late. maybe it was the day i had at work today. maybe it was the way i started my day reeling from a phone call from my lead engineer (one of them) while i was literally being handed my bagel, that sent me reeling into an angry one-sided conversation on the rest of the drive... but really it was about my last conversation with said Lead today. the one where he said things like "good job" and "we're a team, no matter what" that really define this day.

or maybe it was the idea of a friend of mine at work describing how he feels like he needs to get "shit-faced" on the weekends to deal with the job he finds himself in. and not that that is funny, or a good thing, but given who was saying it, it really was...

maybe it was all of it. maybe it was the minutes i spent in the office when everyone else was gone, and an eery quiet i do not regularly experience came over the cube universe.

whatever it was, it feels good to go to bed tonight.
adding two friends to my myspace account. kissing my dog goodnight, and relishing the idea that maybe tomorrow will be just as worthy of a writing.

neil finn

while my opinions on the month of september have already been written about here in this forum, my feelings about the month of june have not.

june is magic.

june is the month when a friend you've known since high school comes to see your play, even though he lives in new york, and hasn't seen you on stage since high school.

june is the month when you can get a four word email that is timestamped at 10:23 PM that means more to you than anything else right now. all the words and effort others have poured forth grow dim in comparison to her 4 word message.

june is the time when you can sit back, relax, and take in all the things you have to be thankful for.

and i do.

meany!

i love life.
it occured to me tonight that the meaning of life is really to try to figure out why certain people come into, and out of, your life.

tonight i found myself at the bar with 3 people that i completely enjoy being around... and i love the fact that i am left to figure out *why* they're there... be it friendship, or being able to laugh over the idea of drinking a Christmas tree... certain people come in to our lives to fulfill a certain need. and become a certain ideal. they are there to make us whole. whether they ever understand their full impact on us, they are there nonetheless, and they complete their mission, without ever knowing how important they really are to us.

the entire driving force behind my writing songs was always "i want to write a song that someone puts on a mixtape for someone else, because i said exactly what they wanted to say- in a way that they couldn't." and i guess that transends my mediocre songwriting ability... it's really my M.O. i want to inspire people to realize what they have to offer the world, and use what talents i may have been given to help them realize that. sometimes it may be some words that i scratched down on a Buick pad of paper... sometimes it might be a certain moment that i take between questions in a staged cross-examination... sometimes it might be in the way that i go out drinking with you... but i want to inspire those around me. and the people i find in my life surrounding me at this moment are the reason why i get up every morning. they are the ones that make me want to be a better man... to quote mr. nicholson. =)

-s

happy one hundred

this is my 100th post. jerry did a special intro for his hundredth show, so, i think i'm entitled.

the question i'm pondering tonight, and hopefully this blog entry will stick with you, and be recalled every time you find yourself lucky enough to smell a campfire...

but i'm wondering if it's a universal truth, or if it's just me, but: every time i smell wood burning, specifically that campfire smell, i think about big things. i think about God, or the stars, or how the universe was really formed, or about what happens to us after we die... and i am willing to concede that the smell of a campfire or bonfire is generally only experienced with a few beers or drinks in one's belly, and maybe that's part of it... but tonight, driving home from Harris's house, i could smell that bonfire smell on Woodward. and, it made me consider the lifelong effects of things that transpired this weekend, and whether or not i am currently experiencing things that could become part of the rest of my life. i found myself pondering my place in the world, and how i spent my day... did it add anything to the universe? did it better the plight of mankind in any way? and these thoughts are intermixed with "apply brake," " use turn signal" kind of commands that my brain is really consumed with during driving. and i can't help but think that the smell of someone's bonfire triggered those thoughts.

so, my question for you to ponder, dear reader, is this: is it something inherent to the smell of wood being consumed by the process of combustion, or is it learned behavior, that really, the smell of a bonfire only forces us to recall those times in our lives when we've pondered these questions, and associate our current thought processes along those same lines...?

whatever the answer, i like what that smell does to me, and i like to discuss it. so, please, discuss............

-s

there's a special place for people like me

in hell, that is.

i came home tonight, and without turning on the kitchen light, called out in a deep voice. as my dog rounded the corner, i watched her pause at the doorway into the kitchen. i asked her "are the boo boo everyone's been talking about?" and then i hunched down a little bit and put my arms up over my head. she backed up a few steps, and was obviously scared by my movement. she started to bark a little bit, and i finally turned on the light, and greeted her with my normal high-pitched loving voice. she ran over, and greeted me as normal.

i don't know why i expect her to have a sense of humor, but if she was able to say so, i think she would have chastised me for playing a joke on her. i'm a bastard, but i still got a good laugh out of it.

i'm sorry boo boo. i love you!

the drunk thing

let's deal with this once and for all.
yes. i've heard more than one super-important person in my life say that I'm more fun when i'm drunk. and i used to resist it. but i think i'm ready to embrace it. something gets let go of when i've had a couple... i know it, i've always known it, but there's always been something to keep me from owning it and being cool with it.

maybe it was that i didn't know what exactly was getting let go of... maybe it was that i didn't like the idea that i had to rely on a foreign substance to liberate me. whatever it was, it is, and i need to reconcile myself with that fact, and embrace it.

so, tonight i say these things:
i love my family.
i love my friends.
i love my life.
i love my dog.
i am scared of, but love, this role.

and i feel sorry for every person who doesn't get to live the life i live. day by day, minute by minute, phone call by phone call, text message by text message....