my as of yet unwritten album cover

Ingredients:
1 - Saturday night
1 - Man who got ready too early
1 - Remorsefully underused digital camera

It's probably much more appropriate for the inside-cover, or even the under-the-cd picture. i figured that while i still have my braces - and their subsequent weight loss - i might as well take some updated pictures of myself. for posterity's sake. and now i'm sharing one of them with the world.

and if you have any ideas for songs, know how to home-record well (you can use my equipment, I still don't really know what the hell i'm doing), or have a bunch of money to produce, record and distribute my as-of-yet unwritten cd... please comment!

nothing good happens after midnight

some life lessons this weekend... first and foremost: never leave your camera on the table at a closing night cast party while you go on a jager run. inevitably you will end up seeing things you didn't want to see.

second: when going on a jager run after midnight, don't waste your time going down woodward looking for an open liquor store. maybe i'll make a google mash-up of liquor stores and their hours... although i'm sure one exists. just need to find it, and make print outs of all the local community theatre areas.

third: sunday is the longest day of the week, especially on 3 hours of sleep, and with a long list of work to-dos. but breakfast to start it off, and tivo'd DH/GA make it all ok.

having a solstice for the weekend didn't hurt, either.

fear and loathing

on my way home from rehearsal tonight i started to have a little panic attack about this whole wayne state thing. i started thinking about everything i would be giving up, and where i'd be in 3.5 years, and how much money i'd have, and where i'd go from there. i'll almost be 35 years old, have almost no money, and who knows where i'll be in terms of a relationship. maybe i'll find me a sugar momma who will support me during school. maybe i'll find her, and we'll get married sometime in the middle there. but then you have the question of children, and starting a family, which i'm assuming i'll pretty much want to get right on, being 35 years old. and i thought about the impossibility of making a living actually acting. and it scares the hell out of me. it scares me almost to the point of wanting to back out of my audition. withdraw my application... but not quite. i don't really think i'll get in. and that thought isn't based on a judgement of my ability, i think i would fit in very nicely at wayne, and learn very quickly the things i need to know. it's more a matter of the group's needs. they may not be taking any men this year, let alone 30's leading-male types. so, i will forego the panic attack tonight. i will cross that bridge when i come to it.
if i come to it.

life imitates art

This she? No, this is Diomed's Cressida.
If beauty have a soul, this is not she.
If souls guide vows, if vows be sanctimonies,
If sanctimony be the god's delight;
If there be rule in unity itself, this was not she.
O madness of discourse,
That cause sets up with and against itself; Bifold authority,
Where reason can revolt without perdition, and loss assume
All reason without revolt. This is and is not Cressid.
Within my soul there doth conduce a fight of this strange nature,
That a thing inseperate divides more wider than the sky and earth.
And yet, the spacious breadth of this division
admits no orifice for a point as subtle as Ariachne's broken woof to enter.
Instance, O instance, strong as Pluto's gates,
Cressid is mine! Tied with the bonds of heaven.
Instance, O instance, strong as heaven itself,
The bonds of heaven are slipped, dissolved and loosed,
And with another knot, five-finger tied.
The fractions of her faith, orts of her love,
The fragments, scraps, the bits, and greasy relics
Of her o'ereaten faith, are bound to Diomed.

writer's block

i can imagine myself never winning the World Series of Poker.
i can imagine myself never really being good at poker in the first place.

i say this because i'm not good at the game. i'm not good at holding back information. i'm not good at appearing strong and contented. i'm not good at being so distracted that i forget to use the bathroom sometimes.

but i know i'm good at some things. and this just isn't one of them. but i think she is good at this thing. for a variety of reasons. and i'm happy for her.

but i was born to live my life with my heart beating and bleeding right there on the surface. and all i can realistically hope for is that out of this experience i write a song that i can sell to ashlee simpson and get *paid*.

so, i entitled this post 'writer's block' because lately it seems the only thing i have to write about is my love lorn moments of confusion, pain, torment and pining.... when there is so much more going on in my life that i'm not including here. it just seems a waste. granted, there's a book about all the crap you've read... it just needs to be compiled and fleshed out a little. but what concerns me is the shelf of books that are being ignored because they don't have the same visceral, gut-wrenching drama of the book of D.
so there it is: smile right now, D. know you've got that last trump card (and if i were a good writer, i'd use a poker analogy, instead of a eucker reference, because that is what started the post) and now you know i know that you have it. so bask in your moment of glory. you've got me pinned. just mount me and put me in a case.

see eric? i told you.

in the beginning...

rob a jewelry store and tell'em make me a grill


the start of my first show in 3 months. and it's a comedy!
i can't say how much i'm looking forward to doing this show.
there are some new faces, at least in terms of people i haven't worked with before. i get to make people laugh again. it will feel good.

go to hell Wardell!

libation

i have led a charmed life.
i think about the trouble you went through to get that Toastmaster griddle a year and 1 month ago. i think about the trouble you went to to get me that card that still overlooks my kitchen. i think about the way that your hand is on my knee in the picture that's still on my refrigerator of the cast from 15 months ago. i think about my missed opportunity to stand in for jeff that one rehearsal. i wonder now how our lives would be different had i had the guts to do what we were both thinking. i think about alot of things. i have the luxury of having the time to do such thinking... and i can't really blame you for not having that luxury.
but i go on my dates, and i do my getting-to-know-you routine. but it all seems tainted somehow. i cried watching Contact this afternoon. and i was actually there, on my couch, wondering if i'd do such a thing in front of you. like we've ever had the luxury of watching a movie that we stumbled upon on a saturday afternoon, and the luxury of worrying about what you'd think of me if i cried during this movie. but the cold hard fact is that we haven't really had that opportunity. we've technically watched a movie. but we haven't had the chance to stumble upon a movie on tv... even one we have in our DVD rack... it just seems sweeter if we find it being broadcast, don't you think? and all i seem to want is that chance.

i missed seeing on the big screen what may be the most important movie (to me) to be made in my lifetime because i was waiting to see it with you. and yet, i don't hold that against you. frankly, i'd rather watch a censored version of Die Hard for the 13th time sitting next to you on a care-free saturday afternoon than anything else right now.

the fact is this: i live without you. i am, and can, and will. but through all that we've been through, i keep coming back to the fact that i don't want to. i want to know first hand the expression on rodney's face when *we* put Snap Krackle and Pop up in his back yard with a flood light on them, and call him at 3 in the morning, wake him out of a dead sleep, and whisper into the phone: "look outside..."

what song do you have in your head?

i'm so hollow baby
i'm so hollow

i have been either cursed or blessed with a heart that lives very close to the surface. it does not hide behind many barriers, and is more or less subject to my environment. the benefit is that i am capable of feeling very deeply. i can love to a level that i'm not sure how many people ever experience... at least not in the same timeframe. i'm willing to bet that after a lifetime with someone, there is a depth of love and understanding beyond which i have ever experienced. but in the shorter term, music, and movies, theatre, and specifically people can affect me in a manner that is quite pronounced.
the downside is how much i can hurt. or maybe it's the form of pain, more than the pure amount. and i would never really ask to change myself... but right now i would give anything to not feel like this.

everyone's saying different things to me
do you believe in what you see?

edification

i've got three little words for you
you've got nothing but all to lose
bounce me off the silver moon
i don't know why i held so tight
or pray that things will turn out right
don't you make my brown eyes blue

hold on to me
while i'm here for you

someday you'll know the love that reigns
that pushes the pulse through my veins
someday soon you'll understand
my lady love comes walking by
a stubborn little dragonfly
i'll sleep in your hallway all i can

go run away
i will wait for you

the heart you give is paper thin
so look in my eyes and let me in
surrounded by the night's sweet breeze
one hundred and fifty percent of you
i hold each breath i take with you
i pray for you please think of me

3lw - circa july 1997

coffee and kismet

so i decided to write in my paper journal all of a sudden this morning. it's a mammoth book that has been carried around with me since june 1998. i refuse to start another book until this one is filled, and so today i decided i would finish it. so i went to starbucks, got my coffee, and became one of those pretentious bastards you see writing at starbucks. so, i wrote about 8 pages, and then i started looking back through some earlier posts. it's amazing how long ago 1998 was in my life. how many relationships it encompasses. how many questions, and heartaches, and movies, and plays, and tears have happened since i first wrote in this very book.

but what strikes me as noteworthy is that this volume of my life starts with kara komlen. and it is going to end with darci bryan. two women who i think of very similarly. i think they are similar in personality, and almost every facet except for maybe where they went to high school. but most importantly, as far as i'm concerned, is how i feel or felt about them when they were in my life. the attraction. the tractor beam. the feeling of something more lying just beyond our reach. it's interesting. the start and end of a book. full circle.

one hundred and fifty percent of you
i hold each breath i take with you
i pray for you please think of me