libation

i have led a charmed life.
i think about the trouble you went through to get that Toastmaster griddle a year and 1 month ago. i think about the trouble you went to to get me that card that still overlooks my kitchen. i think about the way that your hand is on my knee in the picture that's still on my refrigerator of the cast from 15 months ago. i think about my missed opportunity to stand in for jeff that one rehearsal. i wonder now how our lives would be different had i had the guts to do what we were both thinking. i think about alot of things. i have the luxury of having the time to do such thinking... and i can't really blame you for not having that luxury.
but i go on my dates, and i do my getting-to-know-you routine. but it all seems tainted somehow. i cried watching Contact this afternoon. and i was actually there, on my couch, wondering if i'd do such a thing in front of you. like we've ever had the luxury of watching a movie that we stumbled upon on a saturday afternoon, and the luxury of worrying about what you'd think of me if i cried during this movie. but the cold hard fact is that we haven't really had that opportunity. we've technically watched a movie. but we haven't had the chance to stumble upon a movie on tv... even one we have in our DVD rack... it just seems sweeter if we find it being broadcast, don't you think? and all i seem to want is that chance.

i missed seeing on the big screen what may be the most important movie (to me) to be made in my lifetime because i was waiting to see it with you. and yet, i don't hold that against you. frankly, i'd rather watch a censored version of Die Hard for the 13th time sitting next to you on a care-free saturday afternoon than anything else right now.

the fact is this: i live without you. i am, and can, and will. but through all that we've been through, i keep coming back to the fact that i don't want to. i want to know first hand the expression on rodney's face when *we* put Snap Krackle and Pop up in his back yard with a flood light on them, and call him at 3 in the morning, wake him out of a dead sleep, and whisper into the phone: "look outside..."