fear and loathing

on my way home from rehearsal tonight i started to have a little panic attack about this whole wayne state thing. i started thinking about everything i would be giving up, and where i'd be in 3.5 years, and how much money i'd have, and where i'd go from there. i'll almost be 35 years old, have almost no money, and who knows where i'll be in terms of a relationship. maybe i'll find me a sugar momma who will support me during school. maybe i'll find her, and we'll get married sometime in the middle there. but then you have the question of children, and starting a family, which i'm assuming i'll pretty much want to get right on, being 35 years old. and i thought about the impossibility of making a living actually acting. and it scares the hell out of me. it scares me almost to the point of wanting to back out of my audition. withdraw my application... but not quite. i don't really think i'll get in. and that thought isn't based on a judgement of my ability, i think i would fit in very nicely at wayne, and learn very quickly the things i need to know. it's more a matter of the group's needs. they may not be taking any men this year, let alone 30's leading-male types. so, i will forego the panic attack tonight. i will cross that bridge when i come to it.
if i come to it.