tonight
maybe a watershed moment, maybe something we look back on and giggle about...
and i've come to realize, and frankly be ok with, the fact that for the time being, this document, or rather string of documents exists soley to tell you, miss darci bryan, how i feel... what i'm thinking. it's acting like the surrogate you, while you are unavailable for me to babble to. and i know there are people who read it, and i know there are people who check in periodically, and there are people who i've directed here, whom i haven't spoken to in some time, to sort of give them a glimpse of what's been going on in my life the last six months or so. but, it's really not very good at that sort of thing, because i'm not writing it that way. i'm not making a categorical list of things that are happening, or questions i'm asking myself. i'm writing poetry, and leaving cryptic messages that no one understands in an effort to reach you, and no one else. so, that doesn't really bode well for my friend amy, who i haven't spoken to in years... although i will always think of these two things in succession: amy bebensee & stratford, Ontario. there was that summer when she took me there for the first time. just a day trip. we walked around, we saw "The Boyfriend" in what i'm figuring was the Festival Theatre... although my memory of it is different.
anyway, back to the point... this point on the infinite internet, and it's inefficiency in some respects. so, the impetus for this entire post had to do with about 4 minutes and 44 seconds of my evening tonight. (in an effort to be less cryptic (or in my mind, romantic) that's the track length of Damien Rice's song "the blowers daughter") she put one ear bud in my ear, and sat next to me on my couch. i spent every second of that four minutes and forty-four seconds staring at the seam on the instep of her boots, and holding her leg, feeling the brown corduroy pants i swear she was wearing the last time i had a moment like this (in the airport in albuquerque, NM) and thinking one solitary thought: please God, let time stop. please God, let the world stop on its axis right now, and let me live in this moment forever. i willed it to happen. and i guess in the movies, it probably would have... at least a movie from Nickelodeon studios (that's a reference to that Nick movie from a few years ago, where the kid had a watch that would make time go by really slowly for everyone but him, and whoever was touching him... you know, it was called Time Chasers or some damn thing. but it looked good... to the part of me that's still 12 years old). i like this less-cryptic thing... although i will say that it involves a lot more typing than my old self. anyway. i'd download the song, but, frankly, i lost my credit card last weekend, so technically, i can't even afford a $0.99 song from I-tunes right now. plus, she said she'd burn it for me... for my birthday. and frankly dear avid reader, that will sound that much sweeter to my over-sentimental pathetic ears. but that's just me. you don't like it? two options: fuck off or stop fucking reading. sorry, third possible option: get over yourself, realize maybe it's YOUR problem, and deal with it.
anyway, back to her knee. this is a new and honestly unique position for me. i feel like i have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. i can honestly say for probably the 2nd time in my entire life i have found a girl that i pine for. look it up:
www.m-w.com it's a great word, and knowing the "according to Hoyle" definition makes it that much sweeter... seriously, go look it up. i can wait...
ok. isn't that a great word? anyway. so, yeah, i pine for you, darci. and i feel free to do so without reservation because i don't think i know the life-ending answers. i don't know if i want to spend the rest of my life in a romantic relationship with you, or at least i don't claim to. all i know is what i told you tonight: that i think you will be there until the day i die... somehow. friend, wife, lover, whatever. i just feel that way. and i wanted to feel like that for others. kate, if you ever happen to read this, which i frankly doubt, but, please don't take this personally. if i could orchestrate or construct the perfect woman for me, you'd probably be it. all of the stats are there. but we didn't click on what i can only- at the moment- call a metaphysical level. it's like it just wasn't meant to be. so, really, no hard feelings. i love and respect you for who you really are, not who i was trying to make you out to be. i hope someday you can say the same to me.
wow. should have called this post Enter at Your Own Risk. or maybe at your Job's risk.
anyway, as this post can attest, it didn't work. time didn't stop, we weren't able to live and frolic in a truly beautiful moment for all of time without regard to jobs or deadlines, or salaries, or snow, or any other living human being. no offense to anyone who has ever lived, is living, or shall ever breathe the sweet breath of life, but that's what i want with her. just to live next to her, away from everything and everyone. forever.
