google maps

life's true meaning
it escapes me even now
through the roadmaps of my feelings
she lays me down
she reads my letters
as she's walking out the door
my heart my life my whole insides
are a treasure for her floor


i wrote a song with those lyrics over 10 years ago. a fucking decade. and how far have i come? not very far. it's the roadmaps line that really gets me now. there are thoroughfares, and freeways, established routes, well worn with travel. but there are shortcuts, and county roads, and back ways to be explored. and i think that's where i'm at right now. i know where i want to go, but i can't go the same old route. it's time to explore, and throw it into all wheel drive. carve a new path, find a new way. prove myself on the journey. life is the journey, right? so why am i so worried about when i get where i'm going? i need the journey. i want the journey. i *will* have the journey. =)

who's riding shotgun?

sentimentality

isabella

joaquin & tanya have a beautiful daughter. here are the latest photos of her.

inscription

On Christmas Eve she and Mag gave a party. Holly asked me to come early and help trim the tree. I'm still not sure how they maneuvered that tree into the apartment. The top branches were crushed against the ceiling, the lower ones spread wall-to-wall; altogether it was not unlike the yuletide giant we see in Rockefeller Plaza. Moreover, it would have taken a Rockefeller to decorate it, for it soaked up baubles and tinsel like melting snow. Holly suggested she run out to Woolworth's and steal some balloons; she did: and they turned the tree into a fairly good show. We made a toast to our work, and Holly said: "Look in the bedroom. There's a present for you."
I had one for her, too: a small package in my pocket that felt even smaller when I saw, square on the bed and wrapped with a red ribbon, the beautiful bird cage.
"But, Holly! It's dreadful!"
"I couldn't agree more; but I thought you wanted it."
"The money! Three hundred and fifty dollars!"
She shrugged. "A few extra trips to the powder room. Promise me, though. Promise you'll never put a living thing in it."
I started to kiss her, but she held out her hand.
"Gimme," she said, tapping the bulge in my pocket.
"I'm afraid it isn't much," and it wasn't; a St. Christopher's medal. But at least it came from Tiffany's.


from Breakfast at Tiffany's; by Truman Capote.

i'll make you famous...

i'm obviously a fan of the ellipsis...

so, here you go. i'll warn you, you have to go 22 or 23 pages deep to understand.

an advil moment

my teeth really hurt.
my throat really hurts.
my head is pounding.
my lips are being torn to shreds.

there is whiskey in my tea tonight, son.

braceface

little pieces of metal, cemented to my teeth. strung together by a piece of wire. this wire is periodically tightened until my teeth *move*. it will be this way for six or nine months...

sound like a scene from SAW II? unfortunately it's my life. starting tomorrow. when i'm assuming the banner under which i live my life will probably change to something more like "leave me the fuck alone. i am a thirty one year old man with braces. how much worse can my life be?" maybe not that harsh. but i'm not looking forward to it, the braces. i look forward to having straight teeth again (i've had braces before, my teeth didn't feel like cooperating) and relieving the stress my cross bite is putting on my gums, and being done with it, but the process is one which will tend to shoot my self-esteem into the crapper. it was the same way with my glasses. just one of my things.

made my first purchase at Tiffany & Co. this weekend. and none of that Troy, MI crap, either. Fifth Avenue at 57th Street, NY NY baby. and presented the purchase at the corner of Mott & Bayard in Chinatown after dinner... which wasn't exactly the location i originally pictured in my head, but the moment was just right. and it was amazing. i will think back on it often and smile.

candlelight

the queer thing about longing for the attention of someone who lives out of state, is that sitting outside, smoking one of your last cigarettes, there is no real belief that the car driving slowly by your house is her.

permit me to do this a second...

i'm sort of strangely excited right now. and it's only strange because i think i'm excited because i am literally a big swirling mass of different emotions. there are things that have happened in the past 24 hours that have made me the happiest person in the world, there are things that have happened that have made me incredibly angry. there are things that have happened that have made me feel really lonely, and things that have left me feeling incredibly sad. at the same time i'm also excited about to prospect of some other things i have to do tonight. all of these "things" that have occured are all still affecting me. they are not static occurances that i've dealt with, and moved on. it's not like watching that movie this weekend with darci. it's not like as i was watching it, the tears were in my eyes, and it was hard to watch at times. when i think about it now, i remember being sad when i was watching it, but it's not still affecting me. these other things i bring up, are. so, right now, if you were able to open me up, crack my side and peel back my armor and if we could assign a different color to each of the emotions on the human spectrum, you would see a big swirl of color. not unlike those huge lollipops they used to sell at Major Magic's in the "gift" shop. red, yellow, blue, green, purple, orange... all swirled up together and in a big cyclonic shape. that's how i feel. and i can't say that i'm overall the happiest person in the world right now...

but at least i'm not lying to myself.