j.crew

the tech side of theatre is something so few people get to enjoy. acting is one thing. audience members get to come into a theatre, and sit in their seats and enjoy an actor's performance... first hand. they get to go on a journey with the character- through the happiness and sadness of the particular piece. it's much more accessible for the audience. this isn't really the case with tech work. granted, the audience sees and hears the fruits of all of the tech crew's labor- be it applauding a truly magnificent set design, or appreciating the deftness with which the stage hands move the set pieces. they obviously see the lights, but most often on more of a subconscious level. the lighting has more to do with the feeling of a scene, or a monologue than it does with the actual visual information it provides.
that is, unless you're a techie yourself. then you find yourself appreciating the work that went into the sound design, the scenic design, the lighting, and the choreography of the set crew. even from the audience these things add to the techie's experience.
but what i'm talking about is the feeling you get from busting your ass days, weeks and months before the audience is even aware that the show is coming. the last days before a show opens are the fruitful ones for the tech people. now is when the blood and sweat and tears really start flowing, and it gets monumentally harder... but the show starts to take shape. for every action there is a reaction: stay another hour and hang some additional fabric, and then you get to see the stage as it was meant to be seen. run the vacuum cleaner with the bad belt, and you get to smell burning hair some more. it's a satisfying feeling. i haven't done as much on this show as i had in the past, but it felt so good to run up and down those stairs to the scene shop 1000 times again. just me, a tape measure, a radial arm saw, a pencil, and some wood. 2 hours later our Angel had a staircase. it's incredibly satisfying. i don't get that kind of satisfaction at my job. projects are months and years long, and sometimes never really end. things can always be better. but a backstage staircase either *is*, or it *isn't*. and tonight i made it is.
the last time i worked tech at stagecrafters, i was constantly worried that kate was at home, angry that i was away for so long. i think i see good things in me that i was concerned about her feelings, but beyond that: fuck that. she didn't get it. she always held it against me that i was so committed to my role in theatre... whatever that may have been: actor, tech director, designer, director. and i believe that it was theatre that finally broke that camel's back. and i guess i'm glad it was such a worthy cause to have done so. if it was my real job, or my inattentiveness, or something worse... i guess i'd feel bad about it. but i don't. theatre was my love before she ever sent me an email, and it will be here in my life long after the faintest memory of her is gone. and i guess that's the way i really want it. there will be a time and a place for another woman to steal my heart, but i will always have a mistress in the theatre. i will always find myself- the good, strong, smart, talented me- working in the scene shop, or up on a ladder rigging lights. getting my hands dirty, and straining my muscles. kate wasn't enough to inspire me to bring that person home to her. she got someone else. someone who i don't really want to be. and tonight i got to be that man. that strong, capable, confident, hardworking man that i love to be. so, it is finally black and white: i'm better off. good riddance.