gas in the exhaust manifold

i sometimes think this blogging thing has backfired on me. when i started it, i wanted my friends to happen upon it, during a search for something else, and be able to know a different side to me. one that they may not see in our day-to-day conversations. the private me. the part of me that sees things and feels things; that maybe i can't put into words face to face. the side of me that sometimes gets the feeling there is something just outside our understanding going on... there are moments like tonight when i am sitting on a lawn chair on my driveway, reading my script for Angels in America. i pause and look up at the trees across the street, and the way they move back and forth, black against the twilight sky... and i get the sense that there is some profound understanding, or something just beyond my perception. i can sense it's there, i just can't tell what it is. but i know that it causes something in me to pause, and be still before it. i can't explain it, and i have tried several times to explain it to different people. some of them just awkwardly changed the subject, some of them thought something was wrong, and i was looking for a way to bring it up. some major confession i needed to make... maybe it's just awe. maybe it's the troubling realization of just how small we all are in the scope of the universe. maybe it's God. maybe it's a need i have to be a part of something bigger.
i remember riding in michael's buick century down 28 mile road, and looking up into the sky, and trying to explain this feeling... i think i told him i felt like i was about to be sucked up into the sky... that if i could focus intently enough, or if my brain to fathom just a bit more of the universe, i would break through some wall of understanding, and peek behind the curtain and see the inner workings of the machinery of life.
now as i remember this afternoon, all these years later, it unfortunately has a very Matrix tint to it. but it's not that i think our perception of the world and life is all an intricate illusion... it's that at these moments when i have this feeling I get the sense that there are things going on beyond our perception... but just beyond. like i'm a little bit closer than normal.

whatever.

none of this was the original intent of this post. i was going to go on about how now that i've told several of my friends my blog address, and i know they're reading it, it's sort of backfired on me and now i am more tentative to write. like i'm being edited before i even start. but, i will do what i can to not let that stop me. i should be happy that they think i might have something interesting enough to say to stop by on their lunch hour and see what's new with me. so, thanks for reading. i will update away. =)